“What Do I Do if My Wife Is Constantly Texting With Someone Else?”

Question:
We have been married for 15 years, we have two children. I love my wife very much, but in the past I often hurt her, did not listen to her, was rude, paid little attention to her, offended her over nothing, did not help at home, and was jealous for no reason. And with the intimacy has been a problem lately. In the end my wife became cold to me. Said she didn’t love me anymore. And recently I discovered that she was communicating with another man via messenger. She explained that there was nothing serious between them, but I can’t help myself, making jealous scenes, throwing tantrums. I tried to live apart, but I do not last long enough. Sometimes my wife seems to warm up to me again, but I spoil everything with scandals. I am afraid of losing her. I will fight to the last to keep the family together. I try to change, I give flowers, gifts, help her in everything. But when I see that my wife again writes to this man, I lose heart. What do I do?

Vas, 34 years

Expert’s answer:
Vas, we often try to save the relationship when it is too late. You realized that you were wrong to behave only when you saw that his wife has grown cold to you. And your main problem is not her suitor. Your wife has needs that she can’t meet in marriage.
You write that there are warmings in your relationship – at what points does that happen? Think back to how you communicate with your wife, what helps her come into contact with you?
You wrote that for years you didn’t notice your wife, didn’t listen to her, and now you try to give flowers, gifts, and help. Material signs of attention are certainly important and nice. But note that his wife was not enough just spiritual communication, your interest in her as a person, to her problems and joys. That is why the way “to give her gifts” does not work. She wants to communicate, which is why she corresponds with another man.
Try to control your jealousy, listen to your spouse. Tell her that you are afraid of losing her, that she is important to you.
Chances are that she is so captivated by communication with him, because for the first time in a long time she felt sincere interest in yourself, which she did not feel from your side. Think back to how things were at the beginning of your relationship? What was your emotional connection to each other?
Jealousy and questioning only alienates you from each other. Try to offer your wife to “get acquainted” and gradually move to a new, comfortable for both of you. If she wants to build a relationship, I think she will meet you halfway. You can ask her out on a date or go out of town together and discuss what is important to each of you, what you expect from the relationship.
Try to control your jealousy by listening to your spouse.
Tell her that you are afraid of losing her, that she is important to you. Admit that you realized your mistakes. I’m sure that for your spouse’s true feelings will be a revelation, and she may want to open up in return. If you yourself can not overcome the crisis, family therapist will help to understand the direction in which each of you would like to move forward.