My husband is not happy. And I don’t know how to help him!
Hi. This is my first entry in the JW.
Thank you for choosing to read it: I would appreciate any advice, any help.
My problem is this: I see that my husband is not happy. There’s a lot of text next.
Actors. Husband is 38 years old. Director of a relatively small firm. In the work of a successful and recognized. Candidate of economic sciences. For the first time married (to me). Before that, he was single for a long time.
I am 27 years old. Second marriage. I am on maternity leave and work remotely at my husband’s firm. Silly and not fat (not Lena Miro, of course, but without obesity and a normal figure 🙂 ). I don’t nag my husband (I swear!), I don’t argue about nothing, and I try to be accommodating, helpful, and supportive. Except for moral support, alas, I have nothing else to offer.
I have a 1-year-old baby. Desired and dearly loved by both parents. Relatively calm. Not without screaming and crying. But it is possible to live.
Cats Actually to describe the problems are not important, but they are too cool to keep quiet about.
Case in point:. I fell head over heels in love with him. One night I went to his place to seduce him and confess. I came and found that the feeling was mutual. Oh, how his eyes lit up in the first months of our relationship… We began a passionate office romance, which soon turned into marriage.
I’m still in love with him. Ohhhh, booooooooo, what a manaaa I love, no fooling around. And some time ago I noticed that we have an unresolved Problem.
As I’ve written before, he’s not happy. I didn’t notice it yesterday. And I’ve been trying to fix it. How did the problem develop and what did I do?
Stage 1: He was quiet in the evenings. No talking on the weekends. I didn’t go out with my friends: I spent all my free time at home. Sex gradually became a regimented activity. Strictly once a week, at the same time. Well to the ridiculous: you could make a timetable, what and when he will do. My eyes went blank. No interest in me. If you do not touch him and not shake him, he will not come to me with tenderness. Doesn’t show much interest at all. Or maybe I just don’t know. He looks endlessly tired.
I attributed it to physical fatigue. We both worked a lot, stayed at work long hours, including weekends. He hadn’t taken a vacation in years. So there was not much energy left. Gradually we reduced the workload. For more than half a year, he has been working almost normally. It did not help.
Stage 2. Then I set myself the task of arranging a vacation for him and a change of scenery. I will tell you, it was not easy. It took a little over a year of gentle indoctrination and mood building to convince him to leave his job for 1.5 weeks. True, taking a full vacation didn’t make much of a difference, either. I expected him to cheer up for a while. Like hell he did!
“So, sweetheart, did you get any sleep?”
Now I’m worried that he even took our trip as a “feat-which-he-did-because-I-want-it” and the effect was the opposite.
Step 3: One of his objective problems is being overweight. I like his body. Even if he adds a few more pounds. But I can see that it oppresses him. And he worries about it. And he has complexes. I want to convince him to go to the gym, but it will be even harder than a vacation. I mean, he’s ironclad in “no time.”
There really isn’t much time. And it’s hard to cut out something for physical education. It takes a lot of will. His, not mine. How do I raise this desire in him? How do I motivate him in a way that doesn’t offend or upset him even more?
So far, I’m trying to establish a proper diet for him. The problem is that I have not yet been able to organize my time so as to provide him with the right food in time, as required by the laws of healthy eating. But I can do it. I just need a little more time.
Step 4: He worries that he hasn’t reached his full potential as a scientist. “Doctoral dissertation not finished. Years – soon to be forty. “. I can’t help you there. It’s very simple with this kind of thing: You want your doctorate, go ahead and do it. It takes self-organization and internal discipline. My only contribution here is not to pester him. Don’t pester him with questions and chitchat. And to keep a low profile when he’s focused on the subject.
Step 5. He also has this weird complex about his lack of masculinity. In our family, I’m the only one who drives. He doesn’t talk about it. He has a few phrases that show that he cares about that aspect. What about me? When I offer to drive myself, he refuses. When I offer to learn – no time, he says.
At this point, objectively known things and actions end and my selfishness begins.
I wonder if I am not the cause of his misfortune. Maybe he is disappointed in me and in our marriage? He’s a responsible man, and he would never leave me with a child. And anyway, he’s not the kind of man to get a divorce.
Naturally, when I ask him about it, he says he’s fine. I suggested that he stay away from me for a week: read, sleep, not hold a conversation. In short, to disconnect from everything. He says he doesn’t need that.
The trouble is, if he’s tired of me personally, he’ll never admit it. So he’ll get bored and fade away with his bored wife.
Or maybe it has nothing to do with me. And he worries that he didn’t fulfill himself the way he planned. And that’s even worse. Because there’s no telling how to help. The disappointment of living your life the wrong way is the bitterest. It’s the most bitter.
Or maybe I’m too hung up on it. Or maybe I’m thinking too much and there’s nothing to be loaded?
How do I get the lights back in his eyes?