There are always different difficulties in the family. Someone got sick, there is not enough money, the child brought a “D”, the car broke down, there was another crisis. If all is well in the family, then such troubles are resolved very quickly. But if you can not deal with temporary difficulties, if they become insurmountable obstacles, then we can say that there are family problems.
In this case, the entire family and each person in it becomes unhappy, and the union itself ceases to be harmonious. This occurs for a number of reasons that belong to the field of psychology. Let us consider some of them in more detail.
The first reason: “We just don’t fit together”
It happens that people get married out of convenience, or out of a desire to forget a previous failed love. In this case they often do not think about the consequences of their choice. And after a couple of years, they begin to realize that living with a complete stranger is simply unbearable. Conflicts arise simply because the difference in perception of the world is too great.
The saying “As you get along, so you get along” is not always true. The same problem arises in marriages of passion or infatuation, when young people are not yet able to take responsibility for their actions, and they lack the experience to predict the consequences of their actions.
So-called “dynastic” marriages, when there is a tradition to marry members of a particular family, or when parents simply agree on the union of their children, are often just as unhappy. The husband and wife are simply held hostage to other people’s goals.
If you realize that you and your partner have formed an alliance by mistake, the best way out is to simply let each other go and separate. In situations where this is not possible, you should at least make the problem explicit and agree on how to build your relationship from now on.
The second reason: extraneous purposes
Often the family becomes a place for spouses to achieve goals that are incompatible with a happy life. For example, it may be a need to subjugate the other person, the desire to assert themselves. It also happens quite often that one partner takes advantage of the other to gain a stable position in society and other benefits without wanting to give anything in return.
In this case, an agreement about how your relationship will be arranged and, of course, clearly stated priorities may help. You have to understand what is more important to you: family happiness or getting certain benefits. Either way, your spouse has a right to know about it and understand how you will interact.
Reason Three: Resentments
Resentments are probably the most common reason marriages break down. If we are offended, we are always one hundred percent convinced of our own rightness and eager to get justice at any cost. And, pay attention! At this point, there is a substitution of purpose. Were going to make each other happy, and they began to fight for justice, changed the direction and began to move away from family harmony.
But what to do, how to keep the family? After all, resentment causes a lot of pain, which is simply impossible to endure. A very good way out – to turn to a third person who will listen to the arguments of both sides and help them restore justice. Or one of you should be wiser and sacrifice his right to offend, to try to look at the situation from the outside and find a way out.
There is one secret psychological weapon that works well in a situation where you need to relieve the tension created by a grudge. Imagine yourself in the place of your opponent. In this case, a spouse. And describe to him his own feelings, starting the conversation with the words: “I understand. It is important that you really understand, and he felt it. Believe me, in 90% of cases, this will be enough to get you to a constructive dialogue.
Reason number four: We all come from childhood
Sometimes we don’t want to be happy ourselves. Alas, this is not a myth or clever words invented by psychologists, but a very real reality. Childhood resentments and decisions have an impact on adult life as well. The way parents interact also affects how a person will build their family.
For example, if a boy decided as a child that he did not want to grow up out of spite or that he would always live alone, this attitude may well have persisted into adulthood. Now his way of communicating with his spouse is such that family problems are inevitable. The desire for loneliness and a prosperous family life are incompatible.
Save your children from such decisions can be made by thinking in advance about how to help them overcome stressful situations. No less destructive is the tendency of one spouse to violate the personal boundaries of the other person. The unwillingness or inability to stand on one’s own feet entails dependency, which destroys relationships, making it impossible to interact constructively as equals.
All of us have to make a choice at some point. Here too, spouses have to decide whether to grow up, raise children, do things together, or separate with their freedom and independence intact. Both decisions have the right to exist. But you will not be able to sit on two chairs simultaneously, you will have to sacrifice something.
Of course, all family problems cannot be reduced to the reasons described above. To paraphrase the words of the classic, all unhappy families are unhappy in their own way and have their own specific reasons. However it is possible to cope with any situation if you accept that problems will not disappear by themselves, they need to be solved daily and constantly, and in order to achieve harmony when all problems are solved by themselves you will have to work hard. But, believe me, it is worth it.